In 2014, at my SMI and COT hearing I expressed my dissent,
The prevalence of people like me is less than point three percent.
A stranger decided I was a danger to myself and others,
I was advised my DNA was damaged and I’d be an unfit mother.
They injected me with drugs and I was too far gone to object,
My choices in my life were no longer mine to select.
Schizoaffective was now recognized by the DSM as a disorder,
Then they grouped us all together in a classification, like bricks and mortar.
Everyone’s experience is their own, different and unique,
We’re forced to carry a label of shame, when it’s just health care we seek.
At 18, a prodigal child who took privilege for granted,
Embarked on a journey that was less than enchanted.
Eight years later, the med I relied on had failed, nothing else worked right,
Hoping the next pharmaceutical would restore me was my plight.
I endured annual hospitalizations for the following six years,
Just to end up catatonic, forced to face my greatest fears.
My body was in a hospital but in my mind I was on a train,
There was an obvious disconnect happening somewhere in my brain.
Eight days I was a ghost not saying a word, lost in time and space,
But I did start laughing when they let me see his face.
My hitter, my fixer, my best friend, my husband, my partner in crime,
You always show up for me, making the right call at the perfect time.
Hollywood depicted what the horror of ECT used to be,
Truthfully, I feared it and never wanted it done to me.
Permanent brain damage, forgetting my loved ones, it all could’ve happened,
My husband consulted our church, through faith his fears were dampened.
Eighteen years, ten episodes so far, no other could hold my heart,
Because I remember it was him at 18, with me from the very start.
Some people waste their lives wayward, angry and bitter because they don’t realize,
How fleeting our lives are and that in the future everyone dies.
Our place in the world is dictated by choice, fate and chance,
Our experiences are unique to our era of birth and a lot of happenstance.
Instead of looking at my own life as a series of unfortunate events,
I see each day as a chance to do the impossible without any regrets.