Why Dancing is the perfect Metaphor for Marriage

Throughout the years, my husband and I have been asked many times, “How do you have a successful marriage?” We met when I was still 17. We have been together since our senior year of high school, graduating class of 2006 and then married in 2011. We chose to take a leap of faith and wed after attending a young adults retreat. At this retreat, he reaffirmed his faith in God. I supported his choice but at the time I was far from God. I actually suggested we split. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t the best for him because of the demons that still haunt my dreams sometimes.

We started attending church services and it was the first time that I had ever been exposed to the concept of religion as a relationship. I was certain that marriage was the next logical step in our relationship after being together for five years and being challenged by our pastor to read the entire Bible in a year while journaling about the experience. I am by no means a model Christian and our marriage is far from perfect. There are lot’s of passages in the Bible about marriage. Unfortunately I can’t go through all of them, but I did want to break down the one that I think is the most controversial. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 says wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives as yourselves, just as Christ loves the church, even in dying for her. This passage is one of contention for many reasons. For one, if it was taught to you out of context or you stop reading it in the middle because it offends your world view, it can sound kind of chauvinistic and anti-women’s lib. Hang with me and let’s break it down.

The word “submission” unfortunately, has a negative connotation for a lot of reasons. People hear this word and automatically think this equates to abusive power differences. It doesn’t. Think about it as a hierarchy like the military, which has a clear chain of command. Ask any member of the military and chances are they know John 15:13, “There is no greater love than to lay down your life for another,” regardless of rank.   Submission, in no way means that your opinions are irrelevant, it in no way takes away your choices, and it in no way means that you are supposed to withstand abuse. Ever!

The other big concept from this passage is love, a type of love specifically called “agape” characterized as altruistic. So I ask, “Would you die for your spouse?” I know without a doubt that my husband would do anything for me and always has my best interest in mind when he takes the lead making a decision that affects us both. I trust his judgement because he has proven his devotion to me, to God, and is a man of integrity. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have the same admiration for him that I do if our relationship hadn’t withstood what it has and if I didn’t know that he would in fact, die for me.

I know that I am not always kind, I’m not always pleasant and no one would ever describe me as delicate, meek, or passive. I actually love to argue and my husband usually doesn’t mind it because when you communicate respecting each other’s differences you actually grow as a person from finding common ground. You are also able to see clearly where you were wrong. This phenomenon is supported by the verse, “As iron sharpens iron so does one man do for another,” (Proverbs 27:17)

Have you ever heard the phrase, “You can’t have one without the other?” 

When dancing with a partner, you have the “lead” and the “follow”. Unfortunately you can’t both lead (obviously) but believe me I tried, when we first started dancing. The lead controls the line of dance. They initiate the next steps of the dance, navigate their partner across the dance floor, and through nonverbal cues they direct the follow on what comes next. While their job is very important, it is also understood that they are there to make the follow look good. After all, it’s the follow who is the one bending over backwards in a dip. The picture on this post is from our wedding and was not staged or planned. At the end of our first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Nesbitt my husband whispered in my ear, “I’m going to dip you on the last note of this song.”  Terrified I replied, “Please don’t drop me on purpose.” 

Marriage is like dancing because they both take teamwork, strength, trust, as well as strong verbal and non verbal communication skills. When a couple is in love and dancing together, you can see their chemistry. It naturally billows out from the way he moves and she reacts, as they kinesically express their interpretation of the notes and lyrics. I love going to weddings because not only do my husband and I love to dance, we also love watching other people dance. Dancing, like marriage is: fun, flirty, romantic, sexy, complicated and hard, requiring levels of endurance that will test you to your core. Ultimately, when you look at marriage based on mutual agape love you can see and understand Christ’s love for the church.